damaged.

The last six weeks or so have been a whirlwind of emotions, which is no mean feat considering I’m an emotionally charged person at the best of times! November was meant to be an exciting month, full of getting things prepared and sorted out for one of the biggest adventures of my life.

I unexpectedly found it turning into my very own personal nightmare.

Nothing could have ever prepared me for having to find the body of Chris hanging from the ceiling of his garage, dead, on that Monday afternoon. The 10 or so minutes from receiving his delayed sent email to me arriving at his house - all the while telling myself: ‘I’ll get there in time!’, ‘I’ll save him!’ - were simultaneously the longest and shortest few minutes of my life up until now. I now have to accept that there is nothing I could have done to have saved him, nothing. This is something I will have to carry with me for as long as I need to - I find myself holding onto it as I can’t quite let it and him go, just yet.

But wait! Life is very funny in that you can’t quite anticipate its next move.

Barely a week later, I found myself in an all too familiar - yet at the same time very different - situation. Racing down the road again that Tuesday afternoon to see what was wrong with André and why he was wasn’t waking up from his afternoon nap. To again be confronted with the lifeless body of another very much cared for friend - one who had sadly passed away in his sleep.

The fact that these two men have been a part of my whole adult life and with their deaths having left a very big hole that I am not too sure how to fill - and that somehow if I go ahead and fill the space they both took up, am I negating what they both meant to me?

André and I met and started dating when I was 20 and Chris I met at 24, with us getting together when I was 26 - I’m now turning 40 this coming April. Life as I know up until last month always had them in it, in some form or capacity. I feel like I have lost the use of both my arms. The two people I would share memes and new music with, chat, easily irritate and annoy even - but mostly when I needed advice, some support, an ear to listen - I could reach out to the both of them. I am now in this weird limbo of not being sure of myself, what to do nor how to move on and forward without neither one of them.

Whilst I didn’t give Chris the hug I so should’ve that last visit with him on that Sunday afternoon before his death the following Monday morning. I’m taking some comfort in knowing that the week after his death, and leading up to his sudden passing, André gave me hugs every time I saw him - whilst giving me the space to cry, feeding me as I couldn’t face the idea of making something to eat for myself and for taking those midnight calls and having to reassure me that Chris was dead and that he wished he could tell me otherwise but sadly, he couldn’t. I will never forget his gentle and caring manner with which he handled it and me. I like to think that he hugged me for both himself and Chris.

The therapy sessions I have attended have taught me that one can’t simply lump grieving the death of two or more people under one umbrella - it doesn’t work like that unfortunately. That we need to process the loss of each person individually before moving onto the next one, but I never thought I would have to process the loss of two of my oldest friends so soon after each other. To lose the dearest people to me in a week has left me traumatised. I have barely scratched the surface with Chris but I am coupled with the weight of feeling as if I have somehow left André behind but I know I will get to the loss of him, in time. I just can’t process the magnitude of it all - it’s just too much. A podcast of grief that I have been listening to on repeat has said that we can expect to lose a good few years of our lives to the grief of losing a loved one. Thankfully, the pauses between each breakdown seem to be elongating, the tears though are no less real.

As I sit at my table typing this from the beautiful Péreybère, in Mauritius - glancing up from the my screen from time to time to watch the December morning rain showers - I find myself pondering how I plan to move into 2024 without my two go-to-guys around? I know I have to move forward, but can I do it though?

I also suspect I may have lost the opportunity of a potentially great new relationship with an equally special man who found his way into my life not so long before November happened. He had been so supportive and as understanding as he could be, but the budding romance just wasn’t given the time it deserved because of my not being able to keep my emotions under control, as the loss has just been too great for me to handle. I projected all my fears and anxieties onto him with this unnecessary sense of urgency that I would never have ordinarily done under any normal circumstances and it took it’s toll. This fear of thinking I would lose yet another person has become self-fulfilling, sadly. Do I find myself wondering if he ever thinks of me and what we could’ve been as there was - and is - such a tangible connection, yes. Do I find myself wishing I could find the courage to tell him how I really feel about him, yes. Would he be prepared to listen and stay the course? I don’t know… Am I even worth the effort?

Oh, look! The sun has finally come out - time for my daily run.

Until next time.